Setting Boundaries and Cultivating Self-Worth
My Experience
The concept of boundary setting is something I’ve really started to consciously cultivate this year. 2020 for me has been all about setting boundaries, in every aspect of my life.
From friendships, to romantic relationships, to family, to co-workers, career, and beyond: learning how and when to say no has proven to be absolutely invaluable, in some obvious and not so obvious ways.
I’m not a therapist, but I do know a thing or two about setting boundaries when it comes to my own experience… so as I do often on the site, I’ll explore the subject by telling you stories about my own experiences, and the lessons learnt as a result.
May this article spark your own exploration into the concepts of boundaries, conscious relationships, healing the inner child, and of an ever evolving sense of self-worth.
BOUNDARIES 101
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries are loosely defined as the guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or digital: it’s the proverbial line you draw in the sand when it comes to the way you allow people to treat you. It goes far beyond just learning to say ‘no’, and is more about a deep rooted self-awareness, self-worth, and ultimately the art of communicating your wants and needs.
BOUNDARIES AND SELF-WORTH
The thing about boundaries that I hadn’t consciously realised until this year, is that your boundaries and the way you allow people to treat you is 100% rooted in your own self-worth. This can be very confronting as a concept, because it means we become responsible, at least in part, for how people treat us.
Now it’s important to note that as children, we are very vulnerable and dependent on other people, so not having a voice to stand up for ourselves means that we often take on the abuse and even identify deeply with it. It’s during these formative years that we develop the self-worth that we carry into adulthood, and oftentimes it was not properly cultivated.
Two things to understand about childhood trauma and boundary setting are that:
Children see things in absolutes. So if we aren’t given the love, safety, and attention we need in these developmental years, we often see the world as unloving, unsafe, and we see ourselves as fundamentally unlovable and unworthy. There are so many moving parts here that can cause a child to feel unsafe or unworthy: a traumatic birth, the ‘cry it out’ sleeping method, seeing parents yell at one another often, experiencing parents divorce at a young age, etc.
Children see themselves as the centre of the universe. They don’t realise that everyone else also is the center of THEIR own universes, and that every other person has a life/ problems/ challenges, etc. Therefore if a parent, for example, is always angry or sad, or is an alcoholic, or is abusive— the child (who is still living a deeply ego-centric existence) innately thinks that it’s his/ her fault that the parent is behaving this way. They can’t compute that other people have their own problems, living as the centre of the universe they assume that everyone else’s problems are their own personal fault.
As a result, we get children who are traumatised and who fail to cultivate the type of self-worth required to properly set boundaries as adults. A couple of problems that arise from childhood trauma include:
1. Enmeshment: is a concept in psychology and psychotherapy introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe families where there is a lack of boundaries, whereby the emotions of one family member are felt by all family members. It’s a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well. In other words, we take on someone else’s emotions as our own. Eg. If our partner is sad, we feel sad.
2. Co-dependence: is the chronic neglect of self in order to gain approval, love, validation, or self identity through another person. We learn codependency patterns through our family dynamics where there was enmeshment. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. In other words: you rely on the other to fulfil your needs. Commonly, we rely on how someone else feels or acts to feel loved, worthy, or seen. Eg. If our partner had a hard day and doesn’t make us feel loved, we feel unlovable.
Image via: @the.holistic.psychologist
3. People pleasing (always saying yes): is the habit of putting everybody’s wants and needs above your own. It may look like saying yes to an outing when you would prefer staying in, or saying yes to tasks at work that you do not feel comfortable doing, or saying yes to sexual partners whom you do not want to get involved with (waking up with regret).
4.Imposter syndrome: (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which one doubts one's accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Rooted in low self-worth/ low-deservingness of happiness and success.
5. Inability to accept a compliment: self-explanatory, rooted in same concept as imposter syndrome.
6. Victim mentality: an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognise or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. Like all these points, victim mentality is a coping mechanism that develops as a result of unresolved trauma, and results in blaming the other for how we feel/ react.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
— BYRON KATIE, LOVING WHAT IS
7. Emotional Incest: is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship.
8. Emotional Addiction: Our feelings and reactions create neural pathways which make us subconsciously seek the same emotion. Emotional addictions occur when the body becomes dependent on these chemical responses. By continuously experiencing fear, shame, guilt, etc: we literally change the reward centre of the brain and start seeking out emotions that may make us miserable— simply because our body craves the programmed rush of this reward we ourselves have programmed. A childhood that continuously experienced shame would grow up needing shame to fulfil this emotional addiction, and push individuals to seek out relationships that fulfil the subconscious desire, even if your conscious brain knows that the result is interfering with your goals in life.
Image via: @the.holistic.psychologist
LET YOUR TRIGGERS BE YOUR TEACHER
Triggers are emotional wounds. The bigger the trigger the more repressed/ deep rooted the pain is.
Triggers are actually gifts …..wrapped up in painful wrapping paper. By exploring our triggers, we are able to get back to the roots of our unresolved trauma.
When you are triggered by something or someone, put pencil to paper. Getting to the root of our unresolved emotions requires understanding the reason why this particular person or situation is causing us to feel ‘triggered’. A good place to start is to narrow down your trigger to a single word.
What is it that you’re feeling this person is doing, or what emotion is it that you’re feeling that your subconscious feels is not ok? Are they rude? Are you being ignored?
This wheel may help you identify when you’re feeling.
A key to allowing our triggers to be our teachers is becoming the observer. Instead of reacting, feel your emotions. Don’t react: observe. Feel what your feeling, but with every time you get triggered, try to cultivate that equanimity. Don’t judge yourself for snapping, getting annoyed, getting frustrated or angry: just be aware of the emotions going through you.
Emotions are energy in motion, feel what you’re feeling, and then put pencil to paper. Explore the trigger, explore the ways in which you identify with the things you’re accusing the other of doing/ being. Explore the ways in which your inner child was suppressed, shamed, or any of your own wants/ needs weren't fulfilled to allow you the freedom to express yourself/ feel loved and seen.
Example: You’re triggered that someone is ‘showing-off’: Journal on the ways you yourself seek attention in that way, in ways big or small. Explore the ways in which you weren’t given attention as a child, when you wanted to be seen by mum, dad, or your siblings, friends, or teachers. Or how you were shamed for doing the same type of behaviour. How might you be projecting your childhood pain onto this person?
STEPPING INTO YOUR WORTH: HEALING CHILDHOOD/ TRANS-GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
Oftentimes, our triggers are actually rooted in unresolved trauma. Childhood and trans-generational trauma are pain as an echo: someone experienced pain and when it fails to be processed properly, it just echos back out into the world. When parents raised children without addressing their own traumas, they often pass them down and repeat these patterns. The same is true for teachers, friends, romantic partners, bosses, and co-workers. People project their reality onto the world, and when their reality is full of pain (low self-worth, abuse, neglect, lack of love/ touch/ intimacy) this is what they serve up to others.
When someone else’s trauma meets our trauma, we get a hot mess. Co-dependency is a common type of trauma bonding, whereby two people seek validation and love from the other to feel whole. Victims and abusers often meet to fulfill their learnt roles, and this trauma continues to perpetuate until one or both parties decide to heal their trauma and stop looping in the same toxic patterns.
Example: if you experienced an abusive relationship between your parents growing up, this is the primary pattern you learnt when it comes to what ‘love’ is. So many types of trauma could ensue: as a woman, you may seek love and attention from abusive or emotionally unavailable men. As a man you may seek out submissive women who are stuck in their own victim-based trauma. You may learn to be a people-pleaser, if you always saw your mother trying to keep your dad pacified to avoid flaring up his anger. You may have cultivated ADD as a coping mechanism to avoid paying attention to the trauma in your household. You may have been neglected because your parents were too wrapped up in their own arguments, and as a result developed low self worth, inability to accept compliments or feel like you’re always unworthy of a promotion, asking for a raise, or even finding genuine love in romantic relationships. The possibilities are endless, and only you have the inner awareness to connect the dots.
Image via: @the.holistic.psychologist
OWN YOUR SHIT, BUT REMEMBER: YOU ARE NOT A PUNCHING BAG
So ultimately setting boundaries is walking the line between healing your own traumas/ triggers, and then realising also that you aren’t a punching bag for people to take our their traumas on. Simply walking away from every situation that triggers you is not what boundaries are about, it’s about first are foremost examining your role in the dynamic, clearly and compassionately expressing your wants and needs/ listening to the other party’s wants and needs (giving the both of you an opportunity to grow from the situation), and finally if you're not being heard or are being dismissed or abused: then firmly saying no more.
Personally, I know “it’s not me, it’s you” when I am cool, calm, and collected while setting boundaries. If I’m feeling heated, that’s not intuition— that a reaction. Setting boundaries should come from a grounded place, not a place of reaction. Boundaries come from a calm and clear headed place, they’re not a punishment or manipulation technique.
MANIFESTING YOUR REALITY
We have a general idea of our ‘dream life’, and although I don’t love the word manifesting, I’ll use it to describe this concept of co-creating your reality with life itself.
So when it comes to creating your dream world, deeply embedded in this is your worth, and the things you let into your life. You may have a ‘dream partner’ but so long as you keep saying yes to a romantic relationship that doesn’t satisfy your wants and needs, you can’t expect the dream partner to materialise. If you keep saying yes to jobs you hate, you’re actively participating in keeping yourself small, and unsatisfied.
It’s from this place of low-self worth that we continue to say yes to things out of fear that something better won’t come along. The sooner you step into your worth (rooted in the ability to set boundaries when it comes to the things you allow in your life), the sooner you will be able to welcome in what does align itself with your vision for the future.
WHAT YOU NEED TO UNRAVEL
So in a nutshell, the key to setting boundaries is to:
A) KNOW YOUR SELF-WORTH
The ability to say no, set boundaries of any kind, or go after what you want in life is 100% rooted in your sense of self-worth. We accept the treatment we think we deserve, and so cultivating a sense of self worth is first up on the agenda.
Much of this self-worth is rooted in the way that you experienced life from ages 0-7. Your perception of the world and your place in it was shaped during these formative years, and we live out a reality based on the experiences we has as children. Unfortunately, most children experienced an array of things that unknowingly made them feel afraid, unworthy, unloved, and unsafe. Those beliefs keep our self-worth low, and invite abuse on various levels into our lives as adults.
B) HEAL THE UNRESOLVED TRAUMA THAT IS KEEPING YOUR WORTH SUPPRESSED
No matter how much you are loved, there is always a degree of re-parenting to do on your childhood psyche. That inner child that will always live inside of you experienced things both directly and indirectly that impact the adult you become, causing dysfunctional patterns. Whether your sabotage is directed internally (negative self-talk/ self-sabotage) or externally (constant argument with others/ attracting sub-optimal interactions, relationships, and jobs)— by resolving our trauma we are capable of transcending these otherwise looping patterns. The ability to set boundaries is rooted is self-worth, and self-worth comes from healing our wounded inner child.
“Without reparenting ourselves we might:
1. Believe that we can + should rescue others (because we needed protection as a child)
2. Become emotionally reactive over our opinions (because we were not seen or heard as a child)
3. Insult people, take part in name calling, or character judgements (as a wounded parent did to us)
4. Deny other people’s point of view (because our own reality was denied as a child)”
— DR. NICOLE LAPERA, PSYCHOLOGIST
* Note: that re-parenting does not only apply to our parents, but rather all figures who influenced us during our formative years.
C) GET TO KNOW YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS
Until you know what your wants, needs, and values are— it can be difficult to set boundaries. Journalling can be useful here: what does your dream job look like? Dream relationship? What are acceptable and unacceptable traits in your ideal friends, job description? What makes you feel bad or small in your current life?
Reflect on past experiences that didn’t feel good or work out, what role did you play in generating the scenario? In what ways were you treated that you did not like at the time or in retrospect? Journal on this.
Speak to friends about their boundaries, let the conversations inspire your own concept of boundaries, wants, and needs. Journal on this.
D) LEARN TO COMMUNICATE YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS WITH OTHERS AND SET BOUNDARIES
The master of communicating your wants and needs is Marshall Rosenberg. His book, Non-Violent Communication, is an absolute bible when it comes to this subject. Click the button below to read my summary on the book/ method and concept of NVC. Part of communicating your needs is setting boundaries, and also letting the other party know (if relevant) what will happen if they cross that boundary.
E) STAND FIRM IN YOUR BOUNDARIES, AND LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN ANYONE CROSSES THEM
If your wants and needs cannot be met, it’s important to stay true to your word. Giving in (either going back to a toxic relationship, taking on the extra task at work that isn’t a part of your job description, or feeling pressured to go out on the weekend when you wanted to stay in) is highly damaging to your psyche and sense of worth. It’s important to learn to stick to your guns when it comes to your boundaries, and learning to say no without apologizing.
I personally find it empowering to have these conversations face to face, despite being scared shit-less most of the time. But if you can’t, opt for a phone call or a text message instead. Whatever you need to stay true to your word and step into your worth. Be willing to cop the consequences of staying true to yourself. It may look like the end of a friendship, the end of a romantic relationship, or the end of a job— but until you step into and honour your wants and needs: people will continue to take advantage of you, manipulate you, and consciously or unconsciously make you feel unworthy, and small.
F) UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, AND LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS WHEN IT COMES TO HOW ANYONE WILL REACT TO YOU SETTING BOUNDARIES.
This last bit can be the hardest step of them all. When you exercise your worth and communicate your boundaries, people’s reactions can vary from positive to downright demonic. Their reaction is 100% rooted in their own traumas and level of self-awareness, self-worth, and consciousness, and have absolutely nothing to do with you.
That being said, the closer you are to the individual (romantic feelings, family, or it could be your boss) the harder it can be to take their reaction. This is due to co-dependence and/or enmeshment: when we need others to validate us, or we take on their emotions as our own It can absolutely result in the end of a relationship, or the end of a job- but what you need to understand is that whatever outcome transpires from your setting boundaries is the best possible outcome.
You may be asking ‘how is the end of my relationship or me getting fired from a job the best possible outcome’? Well, because if you continue to live in-authentically, in a situation that suppresses your worth and values: you are saying yes to the other person, and no to yourself. By learning to say no to the other, you’re actually saying yes to yourself— and in doing that you’re realigning with all the best possible options that honour your self-worth as a human being. If it means losing a job, that job is not meant for you. If it means losing a partner, it means that relationship was only operating on the pretext that your wants and needs are suppressed.
Yes, that can be scary to face. But the fear of losing something that doesn't actually make you happy in the first place is a result of unhealed childhood trauma/ trans-generational trauma. The sooner you explore your childhood wounds and the patterns you picked up before you could know any better, the sooner it becomes easy to say no to things and people who use and abuse you.
Stepping into your worth requires work. There is no linear way to ‘do the work’ but below you’ll find some of the resources I personally have leaned on heavily over the years. From books, to meditations/ neuroplasticity work— you have to really explore your trans-generational patterns, your childhood experiences, and the ways that these two things have shaped your identity/ the way you see the world. Trauma doesn’t have to be “conventional”abuse, it can be as seemingly insignificant as getting laughed at while you were expressing your authentic self as a child. We are deeply deeply affected by others perception of us when we’re developing, and this keeps us looping in trauma patterns as adults. We can absolutely transcend all of this, given the right tools.
G) FORGIVE
If you want to heal, you have to forgive. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with you. Forgiveness sets YOU free. If you set boundaries full on animosity or anger, there’s work to be done on your end when it comes to healing the inner child. Forgive yourself, forgive the other, and you will find inner peace.
It’s nobody else’s job to like you, to make you feel worthy, to lift you up. Finding love for yourself is an inside job, and by forgiving the other you start to heal from co-dependency, enmeshment, being the victim, and emotional addiction.
“It’s not your job to like me - it’s mine.”
— BYRON KATIE, LOVING WHAT IS
EXAMPLES OF BOUNDARIES:
“I would appreciate if you knock before coming into my room from now on”
“I appreciate the invitation, but I will not be able to make it”
“I will come over to hang, but I won’t stay for dinner”
“I know we had plans, but unfortunately I will no longer be able to be there”
“I know we kissed, but that’s as far as I would like to take it tonight”
“That sounds awesome, but it’s not something I can commit to right now”
“I am looking forward to seeing you, but let’s not talk politics”
“Thank you for thinking of me, but I am laying low tonight”
“I know we had sex last time I slept over, but this time I am not into it”
“If you would like to borrow something, please ask me first”
“No, that doesn’t work for me right now”
“I love you, but I don’t feel equipped to give you advice on this problem”
“I appreciate the offer, but I am happy with my current position”
“I understand you are angry, but if you don’t stop yelling, I am going to take some space”
Not looking through your significant others phone, even if you suspect something fishy
Asking your significant other for some time by yourself
Going on vacation with your friends or by yourself, even while being in a relationship
Declining to take on tasks at work that aren’t a part of your job duties or title
Asking for a raise if your work value doesn’t align with your wage
Note: none of these examples apologize. You should not have to apologize when standing in your truth. Be polite and kind, but no need to be sorry.
RESOURCES:
It’s important to understand there is no linear way to heal. Understanding your worth, re-parenting yourself, un-learning habits and coping mechanisms your picked up requires an individual approach. These resources were key to my own expansion and understanding of my own path, but were a part of a lifetime of questioning, introspection, learning, and experience.
Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication: this is the bible of communication.
Byron Katie’s Loving What Is: another bible, Katie’s work is foundational when it comes to finding peace with reality and stopping the story-telling that brings us memory.
Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score: A brilliant book on how we store emotions in our physical body.
Lacey Phillip’s The Pathway: An online portal with various courses that use guided meditations to re-wire our past memories (neuroplasticity work), I am loving these courses. The two on healing inner child, and exploring your shadow are great.
John Bradshaw’s Homecoming: a great guide to exploring, and healing the inner child.
Geraldine Matus (my mentor): one of the most amazing influences on my life, this woman is a gift to the planet. You can work with her 1-on-1 (she is a depth’s psychotherapist). You can get in touch with her via e-mail at: gpcmatusphd@gmail.com.
10 day silent meditation retreats called ‘Vipassana’ have continuously been transformational in my introspection and growth as a human. You can click the link below to read more about them. These retreats are held world-wide.
“How to do the work:
1. Keep promises to yourself every single day
2. Observe rather than act
3. Befriend the ego: learn to question the stories it creates
4. Gift yourself with radical honesty
5. Learn how to breathe
6. Set & hold boundaries
7. Take full account of your emotions
8. Find the present moment
9. Learn to sit in silence
10. Release unresolved childhood emotions”
— DR. LAPERLA, PSYCHOLOGIST
EXERCISES TO EXPAND
If you have no idea where to start, consider the resources above, as well as some of the exercise below.
List out the areas of your life that need work when it comes to setting boundaries. is it at work? in your personal life? romantic life? with your partner, kids, or parents? with friends? Generally an overarching category could come up, but flesh them all out. List the categories and then all the people/ situations in which you know to cave when it comes to your values/ worth. Journal on each topic, explore the possible roots (how might you have learnt these patterns as a kid?); John Bradshaw’s Homecoming can be useful for this exercise, but not necessary. Examine the role models in your life, and see how you may have picked up patterns of operating, or may have developed an aversion to certain things as a coping mechanism from childhood.
When someone triggers you, find that key word to label them/ the behaviour you don’t agree with. Are they being selfish? Mean? Rude? Aggressive? Narrow down their behaviour to one word (or work on one word at a time), and then list out all the ways YOU are *insert word*, even on microscopic scale. If someone is acting selfish and it triggers you, list out all the ways you act selfishly in your day to day life. Explore the concept of being selfish, and how as a child you may have been denied the right to feel worthy in that way (entitled to express your deservingness— ie. the opposite of selfish). Finding humanity in the trigger, and the fact that we all have the potential to behave in this way can help dissolve the power you’ve given to that word and the way that those actions trigger you.
Letting go of expectations when it comes to the reaction of ‘the other’. This exercise can only happen through practice, and it takes a lot of practice. If you’re worried about the other’s reaction to your setting boundaries, this is rooted in enmeshment/ co-dependence (two consequences of trauma). When we need others to validate us with their own behaviour/ thoughts, we give away our power and remain small/ unworthy of our own feelings, wants, and needs. Below I’ll explore some personal examples that might inspire you. You must explore your own boundaries without expectations that others will react in a certain way. You have to let them feel what they feel, and know that how they react will not change your need to say no/ stay true to your worth.
Cool, calm, and collected. How do you feel when setting boundaries? If you’re doing it from a place of anger, frustration, or reactionary— know that you have inner child healing to do. Setting boundaries should be done totally equanimous, as is no drastic emotions associated to it all. If you’re retaliating, trying to make someone feel guilty, trying to make someone apologise, or using boundaries in any manipulative way: there is work to be done on your end. Time to journal.
Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the final piece when it comes to setting boundaries and finding inner peace. One exercise you can do to cultivate forgiveness is to write a letter to anyone who has wronged you or triggers you heavily, forgiving them (with no intention of sending it). Do it even if it feels fake. Acknowledge the role you played in creating the situation, or acknowledge the ways in which the person’s behaviour is something you also do sometimes; then forgive them. Burn the letter.
“The Foundation of Conscious Relationships
- A partner is not your parents + cannot fill the wounding caused within childhood
- You are not responsible for your partners happiness, but can support them in creating it
- Relationship is a space for mutual evolution
- Relationship is interdependent: mutual reliance + support without losing sense of true self
-Communication allows both people to be seen + heard to have their needs met
- Partners understand their ego + triggers + work to communicate them to each other”
— DR. NICOLE LAPERA, PSYCHOLOGIST
SETTING BOUNDARIES: MY EXPERIENCE
ROMANTIC BOUNDARIES
Boundaries in romantic relationships might look like:
Sexual boundaries (things you are and aren’t OK doing sexually, and these things can change from partner to partner, or from day to day)
Not wanting to be intimate in public
Not wanting to meet your partners parents yet or opting out of a visit with their parents
Not feeling forced to say ‘i love you too’
Wanting to spend time with family or friends without your partner
Needing quiet time alone
Not replying to texts instantaneously
Not sharing social media or cellphone passwords with one another
The key with all of the above, is communication. Communicate your boundaries with other people, don’t assume people will know where you stand when it comes to your emotions, wants, and needs. Boundaries oscillate and change with time, keeping a clear and open line of communication is always the key, and doing this because you want to do them, not because you feel manipulated or pressured into doing them.
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
So my personal story here would be with the last guy that I was involved with, semi-romantically. Long story short: he was the master of the hot-and-cold, mixed messages. Knowing him the way I did, I was fully aware that he was emotionally fragile, having gone through a chaotic breakup not so long ago. The way he treated me was a complete projection of his own inner stuff/ torment with his ex, and the confusion he felt as a result of that, because the way people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Anyways, I can’t speak for him, but I know that as a result of the dynamic between the two of us is that despite agreeing to “be just friends”, the hot/ cold made it very confusing for me.
So I knew deep down that I had to speak to him about this all, because the way I felt after anytime we hung out was no bueno. I had no idea what was going on between the two of us, and basically I felt hell-a confused. This is not inline with how I envision not only a romantic relationship, but also a friendship. There was a lot of unsaid business between the two of us, neither of whom felt comfortable enough to bring it up or address what we were feeling inside.
One of the things that I value most in relationships is clear communication, and a sense of total comfort with my significant other, and my friendships alike. A major red flag is not feeling comfortable enough to speak my truth with someone, or having to assume what’s going on in their head.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that although I knew I had to address this, part of me was afraid because confrontation like that is daunting. So trust me, I get it. But I also know that failing to speak up means denying my self-worth, which is something I am not willing to do. My plan was to just step up and bring it up the next time we hung out.
Meanwhile, I work with a kinesiologist JEDI who did a session on me at the time. What prompted the session was that I had a rash under my eyes, and I thought it was an allergic reaction to something. She agreed it looked like an allergy, but after doing a session on me, it came up that actually it was an adrenal issue that was resulting from my mental turmoil thinking about this guy….!!!!!
Holy shit man, my mind basically exploded— and not going to lie it just made the most sense. You see, our body experiences stress via physical, chemical, and emotional triggers. By dwelling on this person/ our situation, and my fear of speaking honestly with him ended up putting my adrenals on blast. So I cut to the chase and went for a long-form text message instead, because I knew this had to be dealt with ASAP.
So I write out a long-ass text, explaining my feelings about the situation, my wants/ needs in relation to our friendship, how confused I am about it all, and how it basically doesn’t sit right with me. I also finish the message by telling him that he honestly doesn’t have to reply, but that I don’t think he and I can have any sort of friendship until he figures out what he wants/ is in a place where the two of us can communicate properly and honestly with one another.
Lesson: it’s absolutely imperative that you do not attempt to set boundaries with anyone expecting them to react in any particular way. In fact, expecting someone to reply at all is giving your power away. Setting boundaries is about you and your relationship to yourself.
Anyways, he sent back the loveliest long message that owned he was confused, but much like our relationship in general it wasn’t giving me any clarity when it came to the two of us. Making me more sure than ever that not seeing each other for the foreseeable future was what was best for both him and I.
So I wake up the following day TO MY EYE RASH, and I was super bummed because— what the hell? I have total and utter faith in this kinesiologist who is also one of my best friends. I was so confused, thinking I was all empowered from having set my boundaries, and I’m waking up with the eye rash again? WTF!
It was only while lying in bed three nights later that it hit me: I may have set physical boundaries with this guy, but I can sure as hell confess I was still regularly checking his Instagram account and feeling connected to him in that way.
Lesson: boundaries go deeper than the physical. They’re emotional, physical, and digital. The emotional may be the longest/ hardest to let go of but I can assure you the emotional fades once you set that conscious boundary between the physical and digital. If you keep checking the person’s social media, you are fooling yourself.
So I laid there with the awareness that for me to grow from this I had to set a digital boundary too, I decided then and there: no more checking his social media, it’s over.
And just like that: I woke up, no rash, never to see it again.
Ultimately, when it comes to relationships with others, we need to know our own worth and accept nothing less in terms of how people treat us. I have nothing but love for this human, in fact I would love to have a friendship with him again, but until he and I are on the same page when it comes to whatever the hell is was going on between the two of us, it’s not healthy for my psyche to experience hot/ cold, on/ off vibes.
So often we stay in limbo with people because we fear that speaking up and addressing what’s on our mind will end the relationship… but that fear is rooted in trauma. Whether it’s a fear or loneliness/ abandonment, or a fear that something better won’t come along (unworthiness), we have to draw a firm line when it comes to our relationships with others. Until you value yourself enough to stand up and speak your truth, you cannot expect your dream partner to just fall out of the sky. We attract what we are, and we allow people to treat us the way we feel about ourselves.
You have no idea what kind of toll that settling for a sub-par romantic relationship is having on your body/ mind/ psyche. It is influencing your health, and it is creating neural pathways that reinforced your low self-worth. You have a duty to your higher self to shed any dynamic that is not serving your growth and well being as a person.
Don’t get me wrong: you shouldn’t just run at the first sign of conflict. In fact, it’s through these interactions that both parties can grow and thrive as one, but both parties have to be willing to own their own traumas, and be willing to commit to one another in a healthy and interdependent way. Together, but as individuals.
Trauma bonds are common in romantic relationships. They include:
A push-pull dynamic where neither partner feels safe
Walking on egg-shells where there is not open + honest communication about needs + emotions
Cycles of emotional addiction where chaos and fear of abandonment create the illusion of sexual chemistry
A partner is unreliable and unpredictable and yet there is still a desire to be chosen by them
A love/ hate dynamic where there is a strong nervous system activation + a fear of being seen as the true self
FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES
I have had to end two friendships in my life, one very recently, and one a few years back. I’ll give you a brief summary of how it went down both times.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 1
The first example was a few years back now. I had has this female friend in my life for years and years.
I’m not going to get into details about the various red flags I experienced over the years, because that will get fairly petty. Our friendship ended because I was living abroad in Europe, in Greece at the time, and she arrived on the same island with some of her friends, and didn’t tell me she was there too.
It’s a very small island, and I found out she was there with 3 or 4 of her other friends because of a photo she posted of them partying, on Instagram. I considered her to be one of my best friends at the time. We didn’t see each other often because we were both chronically living abroad, but spoke often. When you find out one of your ‘best friends’ is on the same tiny island as you coincidentally and she doesn’t reach out— that’s about as red a flag as it gets.
I don’t know what’s going on psychologically behind that, and it’s not my responsibility to unpack her decisions or way of operating. But if I hadn’t seen a friend in a long time and found out we were coincidentally going to be on the same island, I would reach out in excitement. Not to mention wanting to see them, but even if my schedule was absolutely packed I would at least tell them out of respect… not let them find out via an Instagram photo of me partying.
My perception of how you treat not only a friend, but a human being in general, did not align with hers. Flipping the script on me like that (see messages below) was a pretty clear indication that we had very different concepts of friendship. I told her that if ever she wanted to have an honest conversation about the whole situation, that she could always reach out, but that until we spoke face to face about it all, that our friendship could no longer continue. She called me delusional, took zero responsibility, and, well, that was the last time I spoke to her. She deleted me off Facebook the same day, and blocked me from Instagram. Which was wild, after years and years of friendship. The messages below are the last conversation that we had. I’m the grey bubble text, she is the white bubble text.
I genuinely had and still have no ill feelings towards her. My boundaries came from a place of self-respect, and have truly nothing to do with her at all. The way people treat you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
The thing about setting boundaries, is it can definitely trigger people deeply. It takes a very conscious person to have a conversation that results in mutual growth. When setting boundaries you have to let go of expectations about how the other person will respond, and be prepared that they may not take it well. All you can do is do your best to be kind, but ultimately you need to offer yourself the kindness of staying true to yourself and your worth.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 2
This next one was a friendship I had with someone through the grapevine online, that became a real friendship once I got back to Australia. This guy has some sort of therapist background, and from the start of our friendship was analyzing me, telling me how I felt, why I was doing what I was doing, and so on. He did it in a passive aggressive manner, which as someone with a rather dark and sarcastic sense of humor— I am able to play along with that.
When I arrived in Australia, we hung out for real, and his “joking” verbal aggression towards me started to escalate. Anytime I saw him or bumped into him, I felt worse than before seeing him. That to me, is a pretty major sign that something is wrong. Friendships should lift you up, not leave you feeling drained/ flatter than before hanging out.
Shit hit the fan when I posted an Instagram story about how I personally don’t use essential oils because I find them too intense. As a herbalist, he quipped back that I knew nothing about ancient healing modalities and that essential oils had been used since the dawn of time to heal people. I said that was fine but that personally they don’t work for me. He went on to accuse me of being blinded by my own bullshit, and that I have no ability to admit I’m wrong because I have to appear “perfect for my followers”. Which in part makes me laugh (having a very modest amount of followers on Instagram) but also it felt like a total slap in the face.
I expressed that I would absolutely not put up with his passive aggressive psychoanalyzing. His response to that was that as an alleged spiritual person, triggers are just a reflection of me. This is called gas lighting (ie. manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity), and I had realised that this guy was gas lighting me 24/7.
The thing about triggers, is that yes— we embody the whole spectrum of emotions, we are capable of anything in this life (good or bad), but as soon as someone uses that as leverage to make you feel small, bad about yourself, or exhert power over you: that’s abuse.
I initially shared that I needed space from the conversation, but I didn’t want to resort to having to block him on any form of social media. He kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing. Accusing me of being fake, of not walking the walk, telling me I was full of shit— so I told him to be well, and that I was going to block him.
Ten seconds later he messages me on whatsapp, to continue the abuse. I blocked him after a short back and forth. Five seconds later he messaged me on Facebook passive aggressively telling me not to forget to block him there too.
The thing is, the way people treat you is a reflection of their traumas, but they are also entitled to share their feelings, wants, and needs. As soon as you accuse someone of being triggered, using this as leverage to make them feel small, unworthy, or to make yourself feel more powerful, you’re abusing them. This is called gaslighting: the act of manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
Blocking someone made it impossible for me to find the bulk of our messages, but below to the left was his Whatsapp message to me, telling me that by blocking him I was running away from personal growth. The right is his message from Facebook.
It’s important to reflect on what people accuse us of, because it may not always be wrong. I know I sat with the things he said to me for a while before initiating boundaries and blocking him. Ultimately it didn’t feel right, and I ended it.
Ironically, I ended up reconnecting with a friend who knew him as well, and had also unknowingly to either of us, ended his friendship with this guy. For the same reasons.
The other wild thing, is that I used to bump into this guy ALL the time, I mean, multiple times per week. Since cutting ties and setting those boundaries, I haven’t bumped into him once. The universe hears you stepping into your worth, I believe that wholeheartedly. If you want to attract healthy relationships into your life, it’s imperative not to take abuse from anyone.
FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES PT. 3
One last note on friendship boundaries is that hopefully you don’t have to actually end anything. This starts by setting smaller boundaries in your day-to-day relationships. For example:
Saying no when you don’t want to hang out
Changing plans if you no longer feel like doing what was arranged
Saying yes to some things, but not necessairly the whole thing (ie. agreeing to hang out, but saying no if you’re offered to stay for dinner)
Saying that certain subjects are off limits if you don’t want to speak about them (ie. politics, or your ex)
Not feeling the need to reply to a text message right away
All my closest friends and I have this amazing connection whereby we just don’t take things personally. If someone cancels or vice-versa, there’s zero qualms, and we look forward to the next hang out. You shouldn’t ever feel pressured into doing things you don’t want to do out of fear that the other wont love you anymore.
FAMILY BOUNDARIES
I’m not going to speak directly about my experience here, out of respect for privacy. Although I am an open book, I don’t think its fair to share others personal stories without the possibility of keeping them anonymous.
Dealing with family boundaries is particularly triggering for most, because they are the people we are closest to in this life. There are inextricable ties with our blood that no matter how much distance we take, we will always be connected. For this reason, setting family boundaries can be the most important and profound when it comes to the well-being of all parties involved.
Family dynamics are particularly prone to enmeshment and co-dependence. When our own emotions, wants, and needs becomes blurred with those in our family unit.
What I suggest when it comes to exploring your wants/ needs as seperate from that of your family, is to do inner-child healing work (like the guided meditation/ work led by Lacey at The Pathway) but also, seek help from someone who is grounded and wise. I can personally recommend my mentor Geraldine (whose e-mail I previously mentioned), because she is a no-BS, brilliant woman who compassionately serves up reality as it is.
I am so grateful to have two parents who just blow me away daily in terms of their self-growth as humans, their ability to love me unconditionally, support me emotionally, and meet me where I am. I know many people don’t have that— and it can be difficult to navigate dynamics with someone you love deeply, but is not serving your well being as a person. I’ve seen many friends experience very toxic relationships with their parents and siblings, and so I urge you to take the aforementioned steps and also apply them to family.
No different than abusive relationships: if someone is constantly robbing you of joy and peace, it’s up to you to step into your worth and set boundaries.
WORK/ CAREER BOUNDARIES
Some examples:
Saying no to positions that don’t light you up. This has started happening to me in my work career as a freelance writer. There are boundaries I have set for myself that I will not cross. They include: doing anyone else’s social media (I loath spending any added time on social media, so doing someone else’s is a hard pass from me). Also writing on a subject I don’t believe in, or doing copy (ads) for a product I wouldn’t personally endorse or use (unethical to me, so it’s always a no).
Refusing to gossip with co-workers. As a freelancer I no longer have to deal with this garbage, but when I worked at an organic juice bar in Toronto a few years back, the other staff members used to talk shit the whole shift long and it literally sucked my soul. I finally stood up one day and told them each individually (we only ever worked 2 at a time) that I did not feel comfortable talking about other people. Problem solved.
Saying no to working on weekends/ taking work home with you. This is something that I got entangled with while I was trying to get sponsored last time I was in Australia. I ended up having to work weekends, holidays, all the shifts that were expensive to pay staff (I was on a salary). I felt taken advantage of, but had basically no say because I feared losing my sponsorship. Eventually I knew that the job was pulling me in every direction and too much was being asked of me, I set boundaries and told my boss via a hand written letter that it was too demanding, and that I would like to leave. I told him I would remain on as long as he needed to find a replacement, and when he saw the letter he texted me on a Sunday morning an agressive message saying basically, “just don’t come back”. It’s so fascinating to see people’s true colors shine when you start standing up for yourself.
Turning down jobs that aren’t in your job description, or asking for a raise if you find yourself doing more than you initially agreed to. One of my clients was paying me a fixed rate per article, always around the same size piece. As the articles became longer and longer, I realised at one point that my time was being highly undervalued. I asked to get paid per word instead of per article, and they agreed. Note that had they turned it down, I would have declined further work from them. It’s important not to be greedy or overvalue your abilities, but also stand tall in your worth and your work.
Committing to your idea of a work-life balance. This is highly varied from person to person, and depending on your monetary wants/ needs. Personally, I have worked 2x week for the past nearly 2 years that’s the kind of work/ life balance that affords me to live well as a single person. This seems unfathomable to many who work 5-7 days per week, but I’m telling you: you can create a work/ life balance outside of the “normal” insane hours that most people have. It requires shifting your perspective, but it’s possible.
Using your paid sick-days to take a mental health day.
Not answering your work phone or e-mails after the work day is finished.
DIGITAL/ SOCIAL MEDIA BOUNDARIES
Some examples:
blocking anyone who treats you aggressively or rudely
taking breaks from social media to ground yourself (either daily “no social media after 8pm” or taking weekends off, not being on your phone while with friends, or taking a month off of social media each year to regroup)
unfollow or restrict anyone who triggers shame/ guilt/ unworthiness
don’t check-up on accounts of people whom you have set boundaries with in real life (ex partner, for example)
Setting social media boundaries can be easy in one way (blocking anyone who abuses you), but it can also be super difficult (ie. not checking-in on accounts or people that belittle your worth). If you broke up with someone, checking their social media and staying looped in that unhealthy mindset may be crossing a boundary for you. Unollow the celebrity accounts who make you feel bad about yourself. Just do it!
FINAL NOTE
The goal isn’t being perfect. The journey of spiritual growth, the path towards joy isn’t linear. Doing the work and healing is about learning to observe the way that you act and striving to detach yourself from your ego little by little. Noticing patterns, and letting go of the stories that aren’t serving your highest good. Seeing triggers as gifts, opportunity to heal on a deeper level. It’s about taking steps, little by little, to heal that inner child. And as a result of healing your inner world, watching your outer world reflect that peace.
Setting boundaries is like flexing a muscle, the more you practice, the easier it gets.
