Why So Many Men are Afraid of Marriage
Exploring the Subtext of Power Dynamics in Relationships
Spotted in Honolulu, June 13th 2023.
What is evoked in you when you hear the saying, "A man's decision to marry is the last decision he ever makes"? It likely sparks a peculiar blend of humor and tragedy for most people. This saying speaks deeply to our societal norms regarding relationship dynamics, and when I saw this sign driving through Honolulu yesterday, it left a sour taste in my mouth.
Beneath the humor mirrors the unsettling perception that post-marriage, a man surrenders his autonomy, effectively becoming a slave to his partner. The quote reveals how common and accepted a reversed polarity pattern is in relationships, which is far from fulfilling for both parties involved.
I took a photo knowing I would lean in and write a blog post because I am passionate about the reclamation of my healthy femininity as a woman and honoring healthy masculinity in men (and especially in my partner). This polarity and dynamic are sacred and are the bedrock of a healthy and thriving romantic relationship. Whether you’re after a great sex life, mutual respect, or finding happiness in your own life and relationship: polarity and learning to honor your feminine or masculine gifts cannot be ignored.
In the standard marriage and the kind of partnership spoken to in the image I shared at the start of this blog, gender roles are reversed. This creates very unhappy couples and humans. The man is expected to continually submit to his woman's wishes, which restricts him and positions the woman as the gatekeeper of decisions and control. This “evolution” of power dynamics comes in many ways from the feminist movement, which (at best) was an attempt to help women emerge from under the “patriarchy's” iron fist and reclaim their power. At worst, it was a complete psyop (but I’ll save that rabbit hole for another time). The problem with this outcome is that the pendulum swing from victim to villain hasn't landed us in a better place.
The problem can be understood in two different ways by examining polarity and degrees of consciousness.
The traditional patriarchal model so many have tried to fight involves men using their money and power to control women. This dynamic was also met by the equal manipulated by women through their emotions and intimacy. Men controlled the money, and women controlled sex. Both parties used manipulative tactics to get what they wanted, and in this “first-stage love,” as David Deida coined, neither man nor woman was truly liberated in love. This expression of partnership demonstrates two people living in their wounded place, in the shadows of their fears. Despite attempts to control one another, they actually both remain slaves to their own fears and beliefs.
In this dynamic, polarity is alive (man in his masculine, woman in her feminine), but it operates at this low, manipulative level of consciousness.
In the modern world, women are often encouraged to nurture their independence, emphasizing self-reliance and refusing to depend on men. This seemingly empowered narrative has inadvertently contributed to a polarity flip, an over-correction that does not ultimately serve either party.
In this modern era, women have simply taken on the role of the man, still perpetuating this manipulative and deeply unconscious and patriarchal expression of power. This is still the patriarchy in action because the patriarchy has nothing to do with who is in power and everything to do with how power is being expressed.
In fact, this isn’t power at all; it’s brute force. True power comes from the conscious expression of leadership. In the context of healthy polarity, a woman and man’s true power is expressed in their traditional gender roles but from a place of conscious action. This means a woman gives her nurturing, unconditionally loving feminine gifts to her man, and a man gifts his anchored present, stable energy, and safety to his woman. The river bed (man) meets the flowing river (woman), in perfect polarity.
Polarity is a potent aspect of relationships that can foster deep connections and understanding when properly balanced and expressed consciously. Yet, societal narratives often veer towards an imbalance that leaves both individuals feeling trapped in their shadows, perpetually dissatisfied, and deeply unhappy.
Two key archetypes that emerge in modern-day scenarios are the victim and the villain or the mother-son dynamic. The victim (in this case, the husband with no say in his life) feels burdened and oppressed by the villain (his controlling wife), which feeds a cycle of resentment, manipulation, and misunderstanding.
The mother-son dynamic emerges as the wife “mother’s” her husband, preventing him from stepping into his sacred masculinity and actually giving her the thing she wants deep down: the capacity to trust him, to trust life, and to surrender to both. This mother-son situation is emasculating to men; it kills intimacy and respect in both directions.
A big part of overcoming this dynamic is choosing the right partner. A woman needs to choose a partner who is fundamentally trustworthy and then she can lean into her own work to heal the wounds around actually trusting him to lead from a place of love. A man’s work meets this dynamic perfectly, as his masculine hero’s journey involves being able to sit with his own failures. The man must learn to grapple with and grow from his failures, without being saved by mommy, to effectively become a man and a safe haven for his woman. A woman must learn to let go of her iron grip on life, trust her man, and fundamentally feel safe within the cycles of life.
This is potential for evolved love, a ‘third-stage’ love that champions a balance and conscious polarity where men are not slaves but leaders, not dominating but protecting, supporting, and guiding. In turn, women are not required to assert their independence at their partner's expense. Instead, they can choose trust and respect, surrendering not in submission but as a gesture of shared power.
Evolved love enables a balanced polarity, fostering a harmonious and deeply connected relationship. It's a dance of mutual respect and understanding where each partner complements the other, creating a synergy that fuels growth and satisfaction.
Unsurprisingly, this fear of inverted polarity and perceived loss of freedom has made many men apprehensive about marriage. This problem is not one of man or woman; it's a co-created dynamic between two people who have yet to face their shadows, projections, internal fears, and the insecurities that shape their perspective on relationships. This wound can only ever truly be healed by facing our fears head-on in the container of a conscious relationship.
Even without the inverted polarity, our ‘core wounds’ as men and women invite men to face their loss of perceived freedom in partnership (in the same way women must face their capacity to suffocate love). But the dynamic becomes tangibly impossible to explore when gender roles are reversed.
You can think of all this mess like a dragon guarding a golden treasure, a beast that must be faced and understood to access the riches it protects. The treasure, in this case, represents the essence of true freedom, true love, and the authentic expression of masculine and feminine desires in harmonious partnership. Facing the dragon is actually stepping into the relationship, which isn't an easy task given all our fears and wounds. It requires devotion to one’s evolution and the willingness to confront the uncomfortable. Yet, behind every fear inevitably lies the gold we seek.
Addressing these fears requires a deep examination of our conditioning, our entrenched beliefs, and our emotional triggers. It demands a certain courage to question the narratives we've been taught, the stories we've accepted, and the roles we've come to play. This introspection is the path to enlightenment, leading us toward healthier relationships that honor our true selves. It enables us to move beyond the limitations of societal norms, freeing us to create relationships based on mutual respect, conscious polarity, and, most importantly, love. It encourages us to see beyond the constraints of 'first stage love' and step into a space of evolved love where the masculine and feminine exist in beautiful synergy. In doing so, we conquer our dragons and find our gold - unveiling the power of true freedom and love.
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Do you want to learn more? You can check out my roadmap to Reclaiming Femininity, or read my Honoring Men ebook. Both offer a deep dive into understanding and honoring femininity and masculinity. Although these guides are theoretically written “for women," they are suited to both men and women who are on the journey to better understand polarity and healthy relationship dynamics.
You can’t separate femininity from fertility. Our cyclical nature is expressed not only through the menstrual cycle (for we are indeed feminine from birth until death, before and after we formally bleed). However, our menstrual cycle can serve as a concrete mirror to better understand how we as women ebb and flow through life. This ebb and flow is found in the cycles of (Mother) nature, from the cyclical illumination of the moon to the calm and rapids of any one river. The birth-death-rebirth of all living things serves as our great teachers when it comes to learning the art of feminine surrender.
This ebook was initially titled PCOS: The Great Journey Home: A Physical and Metaphysical Roadmap to Reclaiming Femininity, but I found it overall too limiting to the power of femininity in healing all reproductive-related challenges. PCOS is the lens through which I grappled with my own deviation from femininity, but I’ve taken a step back with the title with the full publication of this ebook to make sure it doesn’t miss the eyes of women whom it might support.
So whether you’re looking to solve fertility or reproductive issues or simply use the menstrual cycle as an anchor through which to connect with your body and honor your femininity, this ebook will take you through the physical and metaphysical nature of reclaiming your feminine essence, help you come home to the body and reclaim the natural, vibrant state that flows when we women learn to dance with our cycles.
The art of honoring your physical cycles invites you into the depth of yourself, and explore all the ways in which you step out of your flow, out of integrity with what’s really real. Coming home to the body is indeed a physical and metaphysical experience, one which we will traverse together throughout these pages. We will explore the outer physical world and your inner world, and I will provide you with a wide range of practices (cognitive and somatic) to inspire the reconnection with your authentic, feminine self.
This book is for any woman who wants a thriving romantic partnership. This guide dives into the work of various pioneers of polarity and relationship work that have inspired my own inner work. I highlight, connect the dots between, and elaborate on concepts by David Deida, Alison Armstrong, Osho, Byron Katie, Jordan Peterson, and Laura Doyle in the name of cultivating healthy dynamics with men.
Understanding how men are fundamentally different to women has been one of the most liberating tools to calling in and being in a healthy romantic partnership. Too often, women treat men like women because we simply don’t know any better. Learning to honor men is also a reclamation of our femininity, and it invites a healthy polarity that drives chemistry and mutual respect.
This 91-page book is full of examples, resources, and practices to implement the concepts into your relationship with men, transforming not only your romantic partnership but also your relationship with your dad, son, brothers, male co-workers, friends, and most importantly, with yourself.
