Reconnecting with your Femininity: A Journey Beyond Performance to Authentic Self-Care
In our exploration of femininity, we often encounter a sea of prescribed practices, each claiming to be the key to unlocking our 'feminine essence.' However, the true essence of femininity is far more profound and personal. It's not about the activities we engage in; rather, it's about the depth and authenticity with which we engage in them.
Self-Care: A Pathway to Femininity
Self-care can be genuinely caring or abusive, depending on how we engage with it. It can invite us home back into our feminine self or farther away from her, depending on how we engage with it.
Consider the common example of receiving a massage in the name of ‘self-care’. If your mind is trapped in the labyrinth of a past argument the entire time, can this really be called self-care? If your masseuse is using extreme force when your body is yearning for gentle touch, is this really self-care? True self-care is more than a checklist of activities; it's an invitation to be fully present in each moment and honor what is really real for you in that moment. It's about how we engage with our experiences, not just the experiences themselves.
Femininity and Its Misconceptions
The notion of 'feminine practices' is in itself a paradox. Femininity cannot be distilled into a series of actions or rituals. It's an ever-evolving dance of being true to our authentic selves, meeting ourselves wherever we are, and staying connected to our experiences. This journey of femininity is mirrored in the experiences life throws our way – our triggers, our judgments – all serving as catalysts for introspection and self-discovery.
Almost any activity can be performed in a way that is honoring of, or violence against the feminine. Whether it’s the former or latter relies solely on why you’re doing it, how you’re doing it; if you’re showing up authentic to your somatic (body’s) truth or not.
Authenticity: The Core of Femininity
Femininity is an act of reclaiming responsibility for our own selves, of showing up in our most authentic form. It is a process of unlearning the performances we've been conditioned to play and embracing our true selves. Femininity is not about fitting into a predefined mold but about breaking free from it.
Although dresses may be more associated with femininity on paper, the most feminine thing you can wear is what feels like the most authentic expression of yourself as a woman. As you continue to honor that voice inside, prepare yourself for the expression to evolve as well. The more we learn to trust and surrender to our femininity, the safer is it for her wild and uninhibited essence to come out. The key, however, is always to meet yourself where you are—wild woman not as a performance but as an authentic expression.
Three Practices of Connection, Not Performance
These three practices are opportunities to reconnect with your feminine self. Note how much the practice has to do with intention. All three can be done with a ‘checking it off the to-do list’ energy or in a forceful, “more is better” way. This is about abandoning the outside-in approach and really going inwards to see what is really real for you in the moment.
1) Dance: An Exploration of Self in Presence, Absence, and Inner Resistance
As I’ve come home to my feminine self, an urge to dance was awoken in me. I was living in Mexico at the time, and although the desire initially was satiated by dancing in my bedroom, it quickly grew and could not be ignored. I couldn’t find any ecstatic dance in Oaxaca, so I started one. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but dance quickly became an integral part of my feminine healing journey — through the art of non-performative dancing. To be in a room full of people and deeply anchored in yourself, moving not for approval or in a way you deem to be acceptable and proper, but a true unleashing of the wild woman within. It’s powerful beyond words.
In your journey of reconnecting with your femininity through dance, start by observing how your movements shift when you're alone or when your pet is watching. The presence of even a cat or dog can subtly change your expression. Expand this awareness to dancing in different social contexts: alone, among strangers, with acquaintances, and in the presence of someone you're romantically interested in. Notice how each setting influences your capacity to remain embodied.
Embodiment can be understood as your ability to remain present in your experience without performing… aka to be authentic. As soon as we leave our body and enter the mind of another, we focus either on how they should change to accommodate us or how we should change to accommodate them (be accepted or loved by them). Dance is a potent vehicle to practice the art of embodiment.
It's also enlightening to confront the challenge of dancing alone in your room. Here, we often face an unexpected adversary: our own internalized judgments. This self-imposed restraint, where we feel 'silly' or self-conscious even without an audience, reflects the deep-seated patriarchal shackles that live within us. Recognizing this self-perpetuated internal barrier is vital in the journey of liberating our feminine. It's about breaking free from these invisible shackles and embracing our movements with joy and authenticity, regardless of who is or isn’t watching.
This practice is a journey towards a consistently authentic femininity, striving to maintain our fundamental truth in every setting. It's about dissolving layers of performance and embracing our full, unfragmented selves.
As my relationship with dance, particularly ecstatic dance, grew— my wild woman inside felt safer and safer to be seen. I didn’t dance in this ‘liberated’ way as a performance, in fact, I was on the tamer end of the spectrum to begin. As I continued to meet myself where I was, exploring my desire to ‘perform’ and continue to look inward and show up from that place, my wild woman emerged.
2) Gua Sha: A Meditative Dance with the Self
The practice of Gua Sha offers a unique opportunity to connect with oneself on a deeply somatic level. This practice transcends its physical benefits, becoming a meditative ritual that invites mindfulness and presence.
As you glide the stone over your skin, notice the texture, the temperature, the gentle pressure. Observe the mind's inclination to rush, to treat this as just another task to be completed. Challenge yourself to stay present, to feel each stroke and the sensations it evokes. This slowing down is a rebellion against the fast-paced world we live in, a world that often values speed over depth.
Gua Sha becomes a dance of awareness, a practice where each movement is savored, and every moment is an opportunity for connection. It's about tuning into the body's responses, its subtle shifts and reactions. This practice is a celebration of the body, an acknowledgment of its resilience and beauty. It's a time to be with yourself, to nurture and offer kindness to your physical form, and through this, deepen the connection with your inner world.
Yinn Agate Gua Sha Stone
I’ve had many gua sha stones over the years, but this is my favorite. Yinn is an Australian-based company that makes beautiful crystal-based intimate care products. I discovered their crystal wands years ago; they are so well-crafted and absolutely stunning.
You can use code 'fullyhuman' to save $ on all products on the Yinn site!3) Jade Yoni Egg Practice: Subtle Reconnection in the Name of Healing
The practice of using a jade yoni egg can be much more than a physical exercise; it's a profound journey of reconnecting with parts of ourselves that are often neglected or misunderstood. Remember it’s never the thing, and always our relationship to it. With the jade egg, there can be a desire to jump into a weighted practice, but for many of us women who have been deeply dissociated from our yoni and womb for most (if not all) our life: the subtlest, most gentle practice can often be the most profound. When you introduce the white jade egg into your yoni space, a portal of awareness opens up.
This practice allows you to explore the subtle energies of your womb and vulva, areas laden with complex emotions like shame, fear, and unexpressed desires. It's a space where we've historically rushed through discomfort, whether it be during menstruation (when we rush the experience to finish so we can get on with life) or with intimate encounters (rushing to orgasm, to please the other, or performing for love and acceptance). Our yoni and womb is often associated with decades of trauma. Our menstrual cycle and sex life can be a portal for self-transformation and a potent expression of our feminine power, but only if we are connected to our womb and yoni space and honor it’s desires. When it comes to our reproductive self, our tendencies to dissociate, to perform for acceptance or love, become glaringly apparent.
By bringing the white jade egg into this sacred space, you start a dialogue with your innermost self. It's a dialogue about witnessing and releasing the shadows of transgenerational shame, about sitting with discomfort and learning to call our anatomy by its name without flinching. This practice is not just about physical healing; it's a reclaiming of our bodies, our femininity, from narratives that have long dictated how we should feel about ourselves. It's about grounding in the body, especially in spaces that have been ignored or shamed, and transforming our relationship with them into one of respect and understanding.
There are limitless practices you can do with a yoni egg, but a great starting place (or place to return to) is quite literally holding the egg there and bringing awareness, without judgment, to this space of your body. Witnessing it, noticing the sensations (or lack of sensations— numbness is also a sensation). Continuously returning to awareness as you notice your mind drift into to-do lists and ruminations about the past and future. A meditation with your focus on your womb and yoni, with the jade egg as a reference point. Powerful stuff.
Yinn White Jade Yoni Egg
I’ve used a green jade egg in the past but have transitioned to this beautiful white jade egg. White jade is known as an internal harmonizer: the perfect energy to invite into our yoni and womb space. Stability and safety are such potent anchors for our base charka.
The two options are ‘drilled’ or ‘non-drilled,’ which refers to a little hole drilled in the top of the egg. The purpose of the hole is to loop a natural floss through it, and this can be used to add weight to the egg and offer a progressive overload challenge to the yoni muscles. This is a different (although incredible!) practice than simply bringing awareness and subtle connection to the area.
Embodied Femininity: The Path Ahead
Our journey towards reclaiming our feminine essence is a path of continuous learning and unlearning. It's about staying embodied in our experiences, embracing our authentic selves, and finding joy in the simplicity of being. As we navigate through this path, we learn that femininity is not a performance. It's a state of being, a way of living that honors our deepest truths, no matter what they look like in their natural expressions.
In embracing these practices, remember, it's not about what you do, but rather and why you do it. Your feminine self, is your authentic self. Rediscovering her, is the great journey home.
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