Grappling with Openness
UPDATE: Since writing this article, River and I have taken our relationship out of its cocoon. You can hear some audio ramblings on the topic on my Substack:
The musings of what is about to flow out of my mind have been fermenting for a couple of months now but are inspired by a lifetime of my human experience. I have been privy to the layers of having a romantic relationship in the online era for many years, both in myself and others. This is more recently compounded by the reality that part of my life’s passion and livelihood is rooted in sharing about my personal life. But it all seems more important than ever to sit with now as I strive to honor my relationship with the highest degree of integrity.
Part of me wants to scream it from the rooftops: he’s the one. (I could, and will, write a whole other post on the concept of “the one,” but for now…) My man is kind, thoughtful, smart, hilarious, and handsome. We share values, goals, and a vision for our future. We are like the perfectly fitting parts of a two-piece puzzle. He’s all I could imagine desiring in a partner, and more. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that it was done, albeit the story of how we met requires a bit more story-telling than that... I guess we can start there: our story. Many have asked, and still, I have a deep resistance to just telling it openly online. Something happens when we put things out into the abyss of the online world. We can’t take that back, which is funny to reflect on because my whole life, I’ve often been scolded by one person or another for over-speaking my mind.
Now, though, I really feel how sacred it can be to hold things close to our hearts. Especially when they are new, it’s like a newborn baby: you know one day the baby will walk, talk, grow, and eventually live a life of its own. In fact, you look forward to seeing your baby become an adult and live a life of its own. But when it’s a baby, you don’t want strangers touching it; you don’t even want to leave the home. The sacred energy of the new is special; it needs to be protected.
I love our story. I happily tell it to people in real life, even those I don’t know so well, and seeing people’s faces light up and their hearts melt is great. I love it. And I look forward to sharing it a bit more publicly at some point… But when it comes to sharing into the world of the internet, it’s daunting, and there’s a lot to it. I guess that’s what I’m here to unravel today, to lean into the concept of openness and some of the energetics behind why and how we share information.
PS. I follow people online, too, who go through major life events and don’t share much at the time… and I get curious as heck too, about the personal details of their life. We all kind of know it when someone starts dating someone new, right? Most people start by dropping hints on social media: suddenly, you see two cups of coffee or two dinner plates. Maybe you catch a glimpse of an extra hand-- all subtle hints that tend to suggest that there’s someone else in the picture romantically.
Things were a bit less conventional for us and how we met, and by the time we met in person things moved rather quickly. By the time many people in our lives found out about the other person, we had just moved in together. As we ourselves navigate integrating our lives together, it feels right to keep the online world out of our bubble. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to grappling with how open to be about my personal life.
This article took on a life of its own as I started writing it. Although I initially had the intention of just sharing my “why” (why I’m keeping things more private), I realised that the subject of sharing information about our inner worlds and reality is actually quite fascinating. So, I ran with it. Of course, we start with the ego.
THE EGO
The ego is a funny thing in that it often distorts reality. We see ourselves as better than, or worse than-- and very rarely do we see ourselves just simply as we are, in that moment, incomparable to anything or anyone else.
EGO PT. 1: I’M WORSE THAN (FEAR/ AVERSION)
When it comes to relationships, two things I’ve been watching in terms of ego is firstly, fear. I think a big part of why people don’t share much, or just glimpses, is the fear that if they tell people about something great in their life, they will lose it. This idea that “I’m worse off than others” pushes us to avert from our desires and play everything down because we don’t feel fundamentally worthy of the things we think that we want.
All our unworthiness and abandonment-wounding whisper at us all day long: this thing you love, it will go away. Because you suck, and that’s that. So we fear telling people about what we have… if we can even muster to claim it at all. I’ve noticed this in the past with my work as a writer. It took some time to actually be able to tell anyone “I am a writer,” let alone acknowledge it when someone else called me a writer.
I remember it like yesterday, I would say that “I write,” and if anyone dared call me a writer, my ego would be quick to correct them that “oh, I am definitely not a writer!”. It took time to overcome that dynamic with my shadow, who thought this path was too good to be true. I remember telling people so, that I was just riding the wave until it ended. And in many ways, that’s true of all things. All things end, but it’s a dangerous game to play out this humility and “go with the flow” way of being when it is actually rooted in low self-worth.
There is so much power in being able to hold our truth at this moment, honor our wants, needs, and desires, and simultaneously hold the disappointment that may come when every wave eventually passes. Whether it’s a breakup or death: this too shall pass because every relationship comes to an end eventually. But when it comes to honoring our truth, we can also speak our feelings, our wants, and our needs. To pretend we don’t have any is to dwell in the darkness of our own shadow. Life is too short not to be the writer, to share your feelings, to ask for what you want, and simultaneously cultivate the capacity to get rejected, lose your job, or change your wants and needs.
The spectrum starts with people who never speak their truth/ have no needs (i.e., “I’m not a writer”(when you are) or “oh, it’s just casual, I don’t know if it’ll work out” (when you are actually falling in love and really want a committed relationship). Super casual, go-with-the-flow kind of people who have no wants and needs and tend to self-abandon in the name of self-acceptance.
On the other side of the spectrum, we have people who over-identify with what they have and hold no capacity for change or loss. The people who spiral into never-ending depression if they lose their job, go through a breakup, or lose anything they identify with. This happens a lot when parents over-identify with the role of parent, and when their last child finally moves out, the parent is left feeling without identity.
I have sailed the waves of fear-based ego my whole life, as we all have. This protection mechanism serves a purpose, like preventing us from the pain of heartbreak, embarrassment, and, if you go deep enough: rejection (which is ultimately life or death when we think of our tribal past). I can safely say, however, that “the work” I have done navigating the waters of my shadow and fears for many years now has left me capable of holding simultaneous truths at once in a way that tends to liberate me from letting fear drive my life. Let me explain.
Side Bar: Holding Multiple Truths
When I started chatting with my partner for a few weeks before our meeting in person, I could notice myself falling hard for him. I didn’t expect it, to be honest (a reason I’ll have to elaborate on when I tell the full story), but it happened very quickly. Our first phone conversation lasted six hours, and by the time we started video calling, I had already noticed that I really cared about him a lot. As our feelings grew, we tried to play it cool, knowing that there would be no way of knowing if this would work out until we met in person. The Sniff Test is real, and chemistry cannot be forced. Although chemistry is often given too much weight (ignoring things like shared values), it cannot be ignored either; it does matter.
So he and I knew very well this whole thing could blow up in our faces as soon as we met in person. And although that reality existed, I still told many people in my life about him and my growing feelings for him. This is what I mean by holding two truths: that we can have wants and needs, we can have desires, and we can also hold space for our disappointment, for things not working out, for not getting this version of what we want.
When the ego operates from too much fear, it pushes us to negate our desires. We will follow up with “I really like this guy” with “but who knows… it probably won’t work out”. This mixed-messaging energy is not magnetic; it doesn’t anchor your somatic experience in trust. When we can learn to hold multiple truths at once, we allow life to flow for us; we liberate ourselves from the shackles of outcomes. That, yes, we can desire, and yes, we can hold disappointment too.
Too often, spirituality and “growth” is woven into the idea that we should not want anything. Non-attachment in the 3D realm isn’t about never having wants and needs (more often than not, being without needs and always open to anything is actually a trauma-related coping mechanism. No one can reject you if you don’t have any sense of self or desires). We come into human bodies to experience the joys of life; the tantric path leans into pleasure and pain as the full scope of our human experience-- and non-attachment comes from this duality of wanting and acknowledging that, ultimately, nothing lasts forever.
So when it comes to my current partnership, keeping the details of him and our relationship closer to my heart really has nothing to do with the fear of losing him or it not working out. That aspect of my shadow is relatively integrated. Not only do I feel so sure he is my person, but I also feel sure that however life unfolds, I can only act out of absolute openness and integrity in this moment. And in this moment (and since the moment we met), he is my person.
EGO PT. 2: I’M BETTER THAN (CLINGING)
The other way ego creeps into our relationships is rooted in the belief that “I am better than you,” which drives a desire to over-share in the hopes that the partnership will validate parts of you that you haven’t accessed sovereignly.
Side Bar: Getting Blinded by the Glorification of Traditional Values
Let’s be real: our culture glorifies partnership and taking steps toward traditional values. People ask why we’re still single, and then when we’re in a relationship, they want to know when we’re getting married. After that, it’s all about the first kid; when the first baby is born, it’s all about the second.
I do think part of that is natural; we value commitment, devotion, and family. To be married happily and raise incredible children is such a reflection of your inner peace and strength. Achieving these things is a testament to having done “the work” for real-- it’s the work in action. It also feels great to be chosen, to love, and to be loved. Connection is so vital to our well-being and happiness that it’s not a huge surprise we chase it.
The problem is, however, that in the name of being perceived as being chosen or having your shit together, many people self-abandon and create an entire act around their reality. How many relationships look great online but clearly are in shambles in real life? And what about the relationships that look great in real life but “out of the blue” end in divorce? People are constantly putting this desire for connection over truth, and when we do this, we actually kill the potential of cultivating a real, deep, devoted relationship of any kind. I don't think love can exist unless both individuals come together with truth as their highest goal in a relationship.
So when we operate from that place, we want to share to show off or self-validate ourselves. This can get messy because it prevents us from examining our shadows, our fears, and healing the wounds of self-worth that are soothed by the balm of relationship. Yes, that works short-term (kind of), but it prevents Truth from being the highest priority in the relationship. The kind of truth that enables you to be yourself, even in the face of losing the relationship. By being yourself, you allow your partner to love you unconditionally. Without that, we start to chameleon and morph into the kind of person we think will be loved, we put keeping the relationship alive above our integrity and authenticity. We can never be loved from this place because we haven’t allowed the other to see us fully.
When we allow others to fill our gaps and share with the world from a place of self-validation, we cling to things much longer than serve us. We fail to see things as they really are. These are the lifeless (and sexless) marriages, the couples who are together but lost the spark, have no passion, and are just going through the motions of relating. They are the relationships that may look great on paper, but one or both partner yearns for more, to be seen fully, to experience the depths of relationship that come when two people are devoted to truth.
The paradox of truth as the highest value is that it is the meeting point between love and freedom. Love as the highest feminine value, and freedom as the masculine’s highest value. When they come together in the name of truth, we see that freedom = love. That two people cannot ever own one another, they are always free to walk away. From that place comes the deepest devotion to one another, to love. In that place of truth, love and freedom co-exist, they are one.
SHARING YOUR SAFE HAVEN
I notice this even in sharing aspects of our new home together… that I don’t want to. I don’t want to invite in the desire to curate my life for anyone else, which starts to happen naturally when we let too many eyes into our life. It’s super unnatural for so many eyes to be on us. Subconsciously I’ve been there in the past with Instagram, where you start to think that if something isn’t documented, it didn’t happen. This led me to take 4 months off of IG a few years ago when I drove across Australia. This trip was the “content of all content” trip. And I knew I needed to experience it without the eyes of the online world. It was a sacred experience, and I never went back to letting social media dictate how I actually experience my day-to-day life.
But even beyond that there’s this desire to keep our home sacred, and ours. I’m not sure where that comes from, if it’s enlightened or coming from a place of fear. But it feels like our place, our hideaway. The thought of having strangers know where we cook breakfast, where we sit and talk for hours, where we cuddle and watch Game of Thrones, where we sleep.. It just feels weird. I’m curious to see how it unfolds later, when eventually our relationship becomes more “public”, if that will change or not.
SOMATIC WISDOM: SURVIVING VS. THRIVING
To share too much about the things that are close and sacred to me doesn’t feel good somatically. Which opens up the conversation about somatic knowing vs. trauma. So often, our somatic response can be a trauma response: the body trying to protect us in a way that prevents us from thriving. Breaking free from surviving to thriving requires checking in, awareness, and curiosity.
I think that’s one of the big reasons I am writing this article: to explore my beliefs. Writing really helps me explore what I think, look back on it, and see if it makes sense. I call myself out on my own BS, I sit with the ways in which my BS is actually my little child-self trying to feel safe in the world. This relationship with the inner child, with the shadow, when pursued from curiosity and compassion, changes everything.
As I reflect back on what I shared, I can acknowledge that, yes, part of me still fears abandonment. Part of my ego craves sharing more about my man because of the validation it brings me to be with him and how proud I am of him as a reflection of me. But these aspects don’t drive my decision-making anymore. I can hold my love for him in one hand without negating the deeply embedded whispers of my abandonment wounds that still live in the ethos of my psyche. I can notice how honored I am that he has chosen me to be his partner, not only from a place of ego but as a place of deserved self-reflection from the work I have done and continue to do on myself.
So many things co-exist, and not judging or shaming parts of my psyche that are not enlightened. In human bodies, enlightenment comes through the experience of integration. Not shutting or repressing parts of us, but acknowledging their existence and not giving them free rein to drive the whole bus. Sitting with our beliefs and desires not as truth but rather as information. Leaning into curiosity about who we are, how we show up, and what we want.
SERVING AS EXPANDERS: MY DESIRE TO OPEN UP
Romantic relationships are the great unraveling. They are such a potent mirror, reflecting who we are and where we are at. Since meeting my man, he and I have both questioned more times than either of us can count is this is real life. Although I can’t confirm or deny that I’m not actually experiencing a coma or psychedelic-induced extended dream… I do know that what is currently unraveling in my life is something I know can give so much hope to other people about what is possible.
So few of us grew up with examples of healthy relationships. I can’t think of a single family-unit dynamic that truly set a benchmark for what kind of relationship or family I wanted to build for myself one day. Even as an adult, I can think of no close relationships that I know of personally that really embody how I want to feel in relationship, and be met by my partner.
It was very interesting to experience in the beginning, feeling met in every way by him. Part of me knew it was possible because it was driving my “work” and all the healing I was doing around my self-worth, my wounds, my beliefs my projections, my shadow. I knew from my last (rather tumultuous) relationship that I had to really examine the ways in which I show up and how I feel about myself if I wanted to attract the kind of partnership that I dreamed of.
And yet, when I met him, I kind of couldn’t believe it. There was such ease in everything that the part of my psyche that has never known this to be possible (I’ve never actually seen it in real life), could not really believe it.
He and I have felt like we’re living in a dream. For the first while, we would take turns upon waking up in the morning just to reach over and see if the person was actually there and real. To this day, we burst out into laughter (often multiple times a day) at the surreal nature of our connection.
A part of me wants to share. To show how possible it is to be fully met. To “have it all” and explore all how our life’s work is attracting “the one” by embarking on the Hero’s Journey to unravel our beliefs and heal our wounds. To unlearn the things that made us feel unworthy or shame. That from that place, we cultivate values, and we start honouring them. From that place of integrity and alignment, we find someone else who is willing and able to hold the kind of space we want in a relationship that fosters deep intimacy, trust, play, and unconditional love.
We want to host retreats one day, to open up our shared life’s work to inspire others to reconnect with their bodies and minds, to find vibrant health. There is no doubt that, eventually, you will get to know him and how incredible he is. But until then, I hope the exploration into why and how we share, and some of the things I’ve been grappling with when it comes to openness might inspire you to explore your own relationship to sharing (or not sharing).
WE CANNOT OUTRUN THE ENERGETIC FIELD THAT IS GENERATED BY THE INTENTION BEHIND OUR ACTIONS. GETTING CURIOUS ABOUT WHY YOU SHARE AND HOW YOU SHARE IT IS THE FORCE BEHIND MAGNETISM OR DESPERATION.
SOMETIMES, THE POWER IS IN SHARING; SOMETIMES, IT IS IN HOLDING THINGS CLOSE TO YOUR HEART.
I continued this article at a 27 minute audio exploration into why and how we share, that I think you’ll enjoy (if you made it this far). You can find it for free on my Substack page below:
