Exploring Addiction

One of life’s greatest mysteries is the question of why we do the things we do. This question becomes even more relevant when we consider the actions that seem to harm us more than they help. What I’ve come to realize, however, is that our psyche/body will never choose harm as its priority and that we are always actually choosing the best possible outcome based on our beliefs and circumstances.

This blows much of what the modern systems tell us right out of the water. The idea that you can never be broken is radical because it means you can’t simply be sold a quick-fix solution. That everything we need to come back into homeostasis (balance) is more of an unlearning than anything. Broken bones from an accident, sure. But apart from that, the body is a brilliant being that is always choosing the best possible outcome.

So what does that mean in the realm of all the behaviors we engage in that seemingly don’t serve us? Well, it starts by understanding the need. Curiosity about our behaviors, instead of shaming ourselves, is the thread we can pull on to help bring us back into our bodies and shed light on why the body and mind may be choosing this behavior intelligently.

Your mind-body’s main goal will always be survival. This is the top priority. Understanding this, it actually makes a lot of sense why we may choose ‘harmful’ behaviors that can help us survive. Survival is a big topic, but know that what you as an adult may think to be trivial in the realm of ‘danger’ is a lot different from the various perceived dangers that may have become ‘stuck’ in your body based on childhood memories and experiences.

In a nutshell, we experience a lot as kids that is a very real threat to our survival. Understanding how vulnerable babies and children are to the world (we quite literally depend on caregivers for survival during all the formative years when our subconscious is developing). In application, this ‘programs’ us to have a huge amount of beliefs about the world that are rooted in danger and fear. Being born in a hospital in itself is programming babies not to trust life, not to truth their bodies (in the same way, the mother needed to outsource the natural physiological experience of birth, especially when she is medicated). We’re conditioned through the media to fear, and we’re conditioned through our own caregiver’s nervous system dysregulation (which came from their parents and so on).

Today I want to lean into the theme of addiction to explore the theme of our intelligent body’s choice of behaviors and how we can leverage this awareness to actually overcome some of our perceived problems. Not through forcefulness (i.e., going cold turkey on your cigarette ‘addiction’), but rather by softening back into our bodies and exploring why the cigarette may be helping soothe something much ‘worse’ than the smoking itself.

Central to this discussion is the subject of addiction. Gabor Maté, the renowned physician and author, brought a transformative (and often quoted) concept to this discussion of addiction. He says that the question to ask is not 'why the addiction' but rather 'why the pain?'

This blog aims to explore addiction not as an isolated condition but as a survival coping mechanism borne from our inner turmoil. We will discuss how our dichotomous perception of habits - categorizing them into 'good' and 'bad' - might actually be hindering our understanding of why we engage in certain activities and behaviors.

What is Addiction?

To begin, let's take a step back and understand addiction in its fundamental form. Addiction is typically understood as a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive behavior, despite its harmful consequences. But beneath this definition lies a complex interplay of psychological processes, with pain - physical, emotional, or both - often at its core. As Gabor points out poetically, it is this pain that those experiencing addiction are attempting to escape or soothe.

As humans, we love to sort things into neat categories – good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. But when it comes to habits, this simplistic approach can be wildly misleading. For instance, we generally classify activities like exercising and meditating as healthy, positive habits. But, even these seemingly beneficial activities can turn into coping mechanisms if we use them as tools to avoid facing our inner reality and disharmony. Anything we reach for to avoid feeling the discomfort of pain, fear, or inner conflict, is effectively an addiction.

I’ve said it million times, that is never he 'thing' itself, but our relationship with it that determines whether it serves us or not. Let's consider the example of food. Food is vital for our survival and can be a source of nourishment and healing, real medicine. Yet, for many, it becomes a battleground for their emotional struggles. Some might turn to excessive eating to comfort themselves, while others might restrict their intake as a means of exerting control. In both scenarios, the relationship with food transforms from one of sustenance to one of coping. In both cases, we are trying to use an external input to self-regulate with, to feel like we have some control over our dysregulated inner world.

Understanding the Roots of Our Coping Mechanisms

The seeds of our coping mechanisms often lie in our upbringing. Many parents, unable to self-regulate their own emotional states, become dysregulated when their children display strong emotions or act out. Instead of teaching children to process and manage their feelings, they may resort to punishments or rewards to quell behaviors that make them uncomfortable. This approach can inadvertently teach children to outsource the regulation of their emotions.

In essence, we are taught to rely on external factors to bring us emotional equilibrium. This might manifest as relying on others to change their behavior to make us feel okay, a kind of victim mentality, or reaching out to devices, substances, or activities to numb or distract us from our feelings. In both cases, we bypass the chance to develop internal emotional resilience and get in touch with what is really real.

These coping mechanisms aren’t bad. They serve the purpose of helping us feel okay when we don’t. That is actually brilliant when you think of it. Because we didn’t have the tools to self-regulate, we find something that helps. Now with this new awareness, we step into a new chapter of life that doesn’t dwell in victimhood that ‘we come from a family of addicts’ or ‘why me’ or ‘this substance is just so darn addictive.’ Until we address why we mindfully choose this outcome, we will keep hopping from one dissociative behavior to the next, always feeling victim to life’s hardship.

An Invitation into Radical Self-Responsibility

With this in mind, I invite you to take a moment for self-exploration. Consider your behaviors, your choices, and even your hobbies. Could they be serving as coping mechanisms or even forming the basis of addiction? This is not a call for self-judgment but an invitation for self-awareness, a call to radical self-responsibility.

Recognizing these habits and behaviors for what they truly are - responses to unaddressed pain - is enlightening. Our addictions, whether to substances, food, exercise, electronics, or any other activity, can be seen as signposts pointing to the parts of us that are living in the shadows, the parts that are asking for our attention and understanding.

Addiction is much more than a series of harmful behaviors. It is a window into our pain, our unmet needs, and our untended wounds. By understanding addiction as a coping mechanism, we can start to unravel the reasons behind our actions and find healthier ways to deal with our emotional struggles.

The journey of self-discovery and understanding is not always an easy one, but it is undeniably worthwhile. We often fear what lies in the shadows, but it is in those very shadows that our potential for growth and healing resides. It's time we move beyond merely asking 'why the addiction' and start exploring 'why the pain.'