I Don’t Believe In Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is defined as manipulating (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. The problem with this concept is that nobody can effectively cause you to question yourself unless part of you already questions yourself. People can only ever reflect back to us our own feelings of uncertainty, fear, or self-doubt. Today, I want to unpack why accusing someone of gaslighting somebody else misses the invitation to transcend your deepest inner conflicts and liberate yourself. In many ways, gaslighting is actually a gift to help you come home to yourself. Let’s dive in.

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When we see ourselves as a victim of somebody else's manipulation, we fail to meet the part of us that is willing to participate in the drama of that chaos, the part of us that chooses to play victim, giving life to a villain, and in need of a savior.

If we want to experience vibrant health and inner peace, it's vital we take radical self-responsibility for our lives. Through responsibility, we are able to exit the 'drama triangle' that is perpetuated when we play any role of the victim, villain, or savior.

It’s not that people don’t participate in what could be defined as ‘gas lighting’ but let’s put it this way: nobody can gaslight you if you’re not already gaslighting yourself. So until you tend to your own self-doubt, accusing anyone of trying to harm you is just as much a self-attack because, well, you’re already participating in the behavior yourself.

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In many ways, gaslighting can actually help us become fuller versions of ourselves. You should be able to hold others' judgments and projections, and if not, this IS the work. Quite literally, anything and everything that upsets you about others' behavior (towards you or otherwise) is an invitation to meet a fragment of yourself.

If someone calls you out, calls you mean, says you're weak, says you're not worthy or able, says you're bad or wrong— if anything anyone says to you hurts, your job isn't to change the other person's mind: it's to change your own mind. If you change your own mind (the subconscious part of your mind that agrees with them), their ability to hurt you or “manipulate you” vanishes. Was it ever truly manipulation if part of you actually agrees!?

You change your own mind by meeting the part of you that agrees. Tending to this part of yourself by understanding where it comes from, why it's protecting you, or what it's afraid of. You re-parent this part of yourself by meeting its needs, nurturing it back to health, by integrating its gifts into your life.

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Understand that getting “gaslit” as a child, is a very different scenario. In these formative years when you’re developing your subconsious patterns and belief, about yourself and the world, having your reality denied is what leads to self-doubt as an adult. But, pain is an echo, and so when children have difficult times, they grow up to be adults who echo these difficult times to their own children. This echo of harmful behavior continues to echo through generations until we take responsibility and grow from experiences instead of always blaming others. It didn’t start with you, but it’s up to you to end the cycle of suffering.

By accusing anyone of gaslighting, you fail to walk through the fire of your own initiation into breaking these generational patterns. You’re being invited back into the kind of wholeness that isn't phased by anyone's judgments because you've met your own shadow and nobody can accuse you of anything anymore. You've already met the wounds, you know they are there, you nursed them back to health, and you grew from them. At the very least, you understand that they exist within you and therefore you stop blaming other people when they point them out. If people want to play in the drama triangle, you let them, but you don’t play that game and as a result, your life becomes peaceful.

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'Gaslighting' by it’s definition, has been the most powerful way that my mentors have helped me transcend my own BS, and it's essentially how I work with women 1:1 now— by helping them question their assumptions about the world in the name of their own freedom.

Much of our subconscious imprints are rooted in wounds and fears that prevent us from experiencing a peaceful life. Many of the stories we tell ourselves perpetuate trauma and drama, UNTIL WE QUESTION THEM! This is at the core of so many teachings, including Byron Katie's work… to ask is it true? is a fundamental tool for liberation.

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People should be able to question you, your sanity, your intentions, your actions, your words. If they can't do that without destabilizing you, then it's you that need to meet your own fragments, and take the journey home.

I'm not saying you should surround yourself with people who constantly question you. For me, the questioning is helpful when it comes from a deeply loving container, like a mentorship relationship. I get that. But, you get to set the boundaries (or walls) with people in your life if you don't feel their actions are helpful to your process. From an empowered place, that's all on you.

Who you give access to you, is your choice, however don't miss the opportunity to meet your triggers as your own work. Even if you decide to end a relationship with someone who constantly questions you, know that any time one of their judgments hurt you: it's only because a part of you agrees, and there’s inner conflict to tend to.

We cannot change other people, but we can reclaim our wholeness by meeting our fragments, one trigger at a time.

Blaming others has no place if what you genuinely want is inner peace. Before blaming someone for gaslighting, consider spending some time exploring how you currently gaslight yourself.